Today's Toons 2/8/10

Posted by: pookie18
Posted on: Feb 08
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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Osama bin Laden issued a statement Friday in which he blamed the United States for global warming. He urged the entire world to boycott U.S. goods and to bring the American economy to a halt. Americans were just happy to hear it wasn't already there.

President Obama drew fire Thursday for not mentioning terrorism in the State of the Union speech. He's well aware of the threat. It takes him an hour to board Air Force One because his middle name keeps popping up on the no-fly list.

President Obama refused to attend the fun-filled annual Alfalfa Club dinner in Washington Saturday. There's no one left to write gags for him. He killed all his joke writers when he put them to work drafting the health care plan and the jobs bill.

The White House responded to New York City's concerns Friday and began searching for another location for the trial of Khalid Sheik Muhammed. They don't want to turn Manhattan into one giant airport security check line. Mayor Rudy Giuliani got the naked people out of Times Square ten years ago and people don't want to go backwards.

President Obama met Saturday with George H.W. Bush and son Jeb Bush at the White House. The president was glad to meet Jeb. He blamed George W. Bush for the economy and George H.W. Bush for Iraq, and it's nice to have a Bush in the bank for future blame.

Senator Susan Collins ripped President Obama Saturday for the FBI's questioning of the Christmas Day airline bomber for only fifty minutes before letting him lawyer up. We know where this is going. Every day Obama spends sticking up for a terrorist's right to remain silent, Hillary Clinton schedules another meet-and-greet event in Iowa.

The White House yielded to pressure Saturday and agreed to move Khalid Sheik Muhammed's trial out of Manhattan. Put your money on Guantanamo. It can't be in any congressional district that's having an election, and that pretty much leaves Cuba.

John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter sued Friday to retrieve a sex tape they made. He was almost elected vice president and wanted to be Obama's Attorney General. Comedians can only lie awake each night and think about what might have been.

President Obama was pictured Monday bowing to the mayor of Tampa. He's bowed to the Chinese premier, Japan's emperor, the Saudi king and Tampa's mayor. Actually, he's not bowing, he's just faking back trouble to make people think he's another Jack Kennedy.

The White House started backing away from holding al-Qaeda trials in Manhattan Monday. The locals are absolutely exasperated. Barack Obama could be the first Democrat to lose New York City since George Washington retreated from British troops.

John Edwards' former aide Andrew Young said Monday he was offered millions for a sex tape of John Edwards and Rielle Hunter that he owns. It's very raw. John Edwards can be heard on the tape making passionate noises and that's just while he's combing his hair.

The White House backed a plan Friday to bribe the Taliban to stop fighting. The thinking is, if we pay them a salary they'll put down their weapons. Twenty million unemployed Americans just announced they're going to take up arms and join the Taliban.

President Obama unveiled a four-trillion-dollar budget Monday. He pays for it with higher taxes and borrowed money and leaves a trillion-dollar debt. Parker Brothers has just decided to switch from Monopoly money to U.S. currency to save on printing costs.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman ripped President Obama Wednesday after he slurred the city again. The mayor called the president a slow learner. That's the harshest name you're allowed to call someone without having to apologize to the Special Olympics.

President Obama offered Thursday to forgive your college loans if you work in public service. There's more. Next he's going to forgive your car loan if you a run over a tea party demonstrator, and they'll even tell the police it was the gas pedal's fault.

President Obama sought Friday to loan thirty billion in repaid bailout money to small businesses. The money was supposed to reduce the deficit. Having Democrats in charge of Congress and the White House is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem.

Intelligence Director Dennis Blair said he thinks al-Qaeda will attack America within six months. That's three administration statements in one day that damaged the economy. The president trashed Las Vegas, the Transportation Secretary trashed Toyota and now no one will lease an office above the third floor in any building in America.

The Weather Channel reported Thursday that last week's ice storms in the South knocked out electricity in some areas for a week. Oklahoma has a firewood shortage because the trees are all frozen. People are staying warm by burning Al Gore's books.

-- Argus Hamilton

Elizabeth Edwards announced that she and John have separated. So it looks like it’s not just Nancy Pelosi that’s going to lose the house this year.

The Obama administration has reversed itself. It is now considering moving the trials of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. They’re going to do an off-Broadway version first to see how people like it.

President Obama has announced his administration’s plan to build a new $8 billion high-speed rail system. Have you ever been on Amtrak? We can’t even figure out how to keep a low-speed rail system from crashing.

Just two weeks before he’s scheduled to go to Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid, President Obama said Las Vegas is a place of excess that people should not visit during hard times. I guess the president feels if you want to see people cavorting with prostitutes and wasting their money, just go to Washington D.C.

-- Leno

I heard that John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, have legally separated. Under the reasons for separation, Elizabeth Edwards just wrote, “See news.”

The Oscar nominations were announced today. The Best Actor nominees include George Clooney for “Up in the Air,” Jeremy Renner for “The Hurt Locker”, and President Obama for the “State of the Union.”

At the town hall event, President Obama also said, “Jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010.” He then added, “Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.”

This morning, President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C. Obama told the crowd there that no one should “go broke when they get sick in the richest nation on earth.” Which I think is his way of saying we’re going to start exporting sick people to China.

-- Jimmy Fallon

Rahm Emanuel, who used an extremely offensive word to describe liberal democrats, apologized today to the head of the Special Olympics and to Snooki from “Jersey Shore.”

Adm. Michael Mullen, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, says he believes gays should serve in the military. All gays, whether they want to or not.

-- Jimmy Kimmel

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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”

The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?” Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”

The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan.”

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Political Cryptogram

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